Sonic the Hedgehog is Raping my Childhood Pt. 1

Do you get a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia every time you think about Mario? Does the sight of that pudgy plumber bring back wonderful childhood memories of the past, sitting in the living room, jumping on goombas and troopas while your parents secretly loathed you? Chances are you had a Nintendo system in the house as a kid. It seems that most kids did, because in a 1990 survey, more kids recognized Mario than they recognized Mickey Mouse. Mario is now a revered character by many adults today, as they grew up with him for the past 22 years.

I don't share your feelings with Mario, sadly because I got my first Nintendo system when I was in my mid teens (I did have a Gameboy, however). Instead, the character of my childhood is Sonic the Hedgehog, mascot of the Sega Corporation, the arch-nemesis of Nintendo. But I don't get fuzzy wuzzy trips down memory lane when I think about Sonic. The feelings I get upon hearing Sonic's name are usually shame, disgust, and rage. While plenty of you are probably delighted by the potential Freudian meanings of this, let me explain to you that I get these feelings because every Sonic game made since 1995 has been absolutely fucking terrible.

I decided to split this article up into three parts, because I have a lot to say about this issue. In the first part, I will show you the progression Sonic has made since his inception in 1991, and his development as my favorite franchise of my youth. Part 2 will deal with the later years when Sega unceremoniously shits all over my childhood. Part 3 will discuss the reasons for why this happened, as well as what the Sonic franchise can do to save itself.

1991: Sonic the Hedgehog

I'm dating myself by saying this, but I was 4 when the Sega Genesis (Mega Drive for non-Americans) was released in 1989. I can't remember exactly how old I was when my dad bought me the System, but I remember how excited I was to play it. It was my first gaming system, and I completely bought into Sega's marketing that the Genesis was more EXTREME and EDGY than that pussy Super Nintendo. Sonic the Hedgehog was a pack-in that came with the system, and it became my favorite game.

Sonic had the same gameplay style as Mario, which involved running right and jumping on enemies, but the difference Sonic had was that he did it really fucking fast. I remember sitting in the family room, having my little mind blown by the speed that things were moving on the screen. This usually led to me just holding right on the d-pad, waiting for something to happen. While this was a point of criticism for all Sonic games, especially the later ones, I could forgive them most of the time, considering the phenominal gameplay which came after these parts.

For those who never played the game, the story of the game was barebones and functional, just the way it should be. Apparently this mad doctor named Dr. Robotnik was transforming animals into robot slaves, and it was up to Sonic to save them. Not much, but who needs more for a game like this?

1992: Sonic the Hedgehog 2

This might be my favorite Sonic game out of all of them, simply because I played this one the most. My parents bought it for me not long after they got the system, and it quickly overshadowed the original. It's most impressive improvement was the inclusion of Tails, the weird yellow fox thing that would follow your character around. While this was pretty much a cosmetic difference in single player, if you had a second controller plugged in, another person could play as Tails. The real genius of this is that no matter what Tails does, he can't impede the progress of Sonic. So the game allowed me to play Sonic, and let my dumb little sister or cousins play as well, getting the illusion of participation, while I play normally and not have to deal with them screwing me up. This was the best when parents forced me to play nice with my younger family members. Kudos, Sega. Rarely have we seen better foresight in a gaming company. If only such genius could be maintained.

1993: Sonic CD

Apparently this is arguably the best 2D Sonic ever made. I can't say, because I never played it. Sonic CD came out for the Sega CD, an add-on to the Sega Genesis. I won't go into the particulars, but the Sega CD was a disaster, and few were ever sold.

1993: Sonic Spinball

Here's a game that isn't part of the main Sonic series, but gets a part on this list anyway. If you ask about this game, people will probably tell you that it totally sucked. Don't listen to their bullshit, this game was fucking awesome. While there were plenty of Sonic spinoff games that came out, this one is has the distinct honor of being owned by me, as well as being a really fun game. The general premise of the game was combining Sonic and pinball, and who can't see the novelty in that? One of the interesting things about this game was its use of the Sonic cartoon characters throughout the game.

Now would probably be a good time to mention the cartoon. Back in 1993, Sonic the Hedgehog, like his nemesis Mario, had a cartoon on TV. Matter of fact, Sonic had TWO cartoons, but one of them was a stupid Bugs Bunny wannabe, so we won't discuss it. The other Sonic cartoon took a much more serious tone, and might be one of the most ridiculous things in gaming history.

The general story of the Sonic games was an evil doctor was turning animals into robot slaves, and it was up to Sonic to save them. This is a good framework story for a video game, where the player is more concerned about jumping on bad guys. The writers of the cartoon, however, took this basic story and ran with it, probably taking it a bit too far. The Sonic cartoon took place in a dystopic word where the mad doctor conquered the planet, and it's up to Sonic and his band of freedom fighters to save their would using terrorist tactics. And Sonic is also voiced by Urkel.

While it certainly sounds absolutely rediculous (it was), I thought the show was awesome. It took an extremely darker tone than the games did, and as an 8 year old kid, I totally thought it was badass. Maybe as an adult, watching it will be somewhat embarassing, but when I watched it as a kid back in those days, that show was the shit.

1994: Sonic the Hedgehog 3

Here's another game I missed out on. This game brought many new advances to the games, such as extra power ups and better graphics. The game also introduced Knuckles as another villian. Not much else I can say, since I never played it as a kid.

1994: Sonic and Knuckles

This is the best Sonic game out there, in my opinion. It represents the apogee of the stellar rise of the franchise, right before Sega drove it to the ground. Sonic and Knuckles was an amazing game, which took all the advances made in Sonic 3, added some more, and allowed you to play as Knuckles. On top of that, the cartridge had a cool lock-on feature, which allowed you to put either Sonic 2 or Sonic 3 on the top, effectively acting as an expanion pack for both games. This game was Sonic perfected, and as a kid, I could not wait for the future of Sonic to unfold.

Unfortunately for me, it took a very long time for that future to happen. Let me show you the scope of this article so far. Sonic 1 came out in 1991, when I was 6. In the span of 3 years, every great 2D Sonic game was released. I was 9 when Sonic and Knuckles came out. It would be another 5 YEARS before Sonic would see another release. Sonic didn't make an appearance on the shitty 32X or on the less-shitty-but-still-shitty Sega Saturn. It wasn't until the Dreamcast was released when we would see another Sonic game.

5 years. I was 9 when Sonic and Knuckles was released. I was a wide-eyed innocent kid, whose most pressing concerns involved playing outside, playing games, and playing in general. I was a fuckin' 4th grader. I probably still thought girls had cooties. Flash foward 5 years and suddenly I'm 14, a freshman in high school. I've survived puberty, passed through the halls of both elementary and middle school, and in some ancient cultures, would be considered an adult. What is certainly true is that my childhood was over, and my teens were beginning.

In those five years of my Sonic-less existence, I had matured greatly and discovered a new genre to entertain myself: PC first person shooters. When I heard about Sonic coming out for the Dreamcast, I was excited. I actually felt that fuzzy feeling of nostalgia, stemming from my deep-running childhood memories of Sonic. This was going to be the first Sonic game in 3D, and I couldn't wait to see the bold new step Sonic would take.

How wrong I was. Stay tuned for part 2 of this article, where Sonic takes his disasterous turn for the shit.