Sonic the Hedgehog is Raping my Childhood Pt. 3

Part 1 discussed why I loved Sonic. Part 2 discussed why I currently hate Sonic. Part 3 will analyse why this state exists.

What the hell happened to Sonic? I have my own opinions, and most of them fault the fans. Not fans of the 2D games, hell no. The 2D games were, and continue to be, classics of the industry. They are the only reason why people know who Sonic is.

When Sonic Adventure came out, that's when everything went to shit. What should have happened was that the game would bomb, Sega would realize what a horrible fuck-up they did, and backpedal on their terrible mistake. This didn't happen, because of some stupid fucking fans who ate that shit up. Over a million copies were sold in North America alone, and that number doesn't even consider those crazy fucks in Japan. Who bought this game?

My best guess is that three groups bought this game, and continue to represent the bulk of Sonic game sales. The first is the stupid parent demographic. These are parents who see the family friendly hedgehog on the cover, recognize his name from his glory years of the '90s, and buys it for their poor fucking kid. In my days as a game retail clerk, I can tell you this happens a lot more than you think. If this blog could do any good to this world, it would serve as a warning to parents: don't buy your kids terrible Sonic games.

The second group of Sonic fans are poor saps like me. We grew up with the Hedgehog, and we want to play the new games. It sucks for us that they suck, but maybe they'll get better, right? This happened to me with the first Sonic Adventure, but since then, I have never bought a Sonic game since then. I think this has happened to most of the rest of this group over the years, which explains the steady tapering off of Sonic game sales. While the dwindling sales of Sonic games are usually attributed to the steady decrease in quality, I know this isn't completely the case. This second group is the only group who buys games based on quality. Dumb parents clearly don't buy games based on their quality, and our third group certainly doesn't know quality if it hit them in their face.

The third group, the one I target most of my hatred towards, is the stupid anime fan demographic. I know a lot of people like anime, which is ok, I suppose, but I'm targeting the stupid anime nerds. The ones who take it WAY too far. The majority of this group are crazy, socially crippled, sexually confused, perverted, and probably are self-diagnosed Ass-Pies. Think this might be you? Here's a quick test. Have you ever said the words "epic fail" or "that is made of win?" I mean, actually speak these works with your voice in real life. If you have, there's a good chance you fall into this category.

These weirdos have so much pent up sexual frustrations from not getting laid that they sexualize EVERYTHING. One of these things is anthropomorphic animals, otherwise known as "furries." These guys have clearly latched onto Sonic, using him almost as a mascot for their perversions. Need proof? Search "Sonic" in Deviantart and Google Images. Make sure you take off all content filters. Go to a big fanfiction website and search the terms "Sonic" and "penis" together and see what you get. I bet the title of my post makes a lot more sense now, doesn't it? By the way, those links are not work safe.

If you know stupid anime, then you know why fans of it would love the new Sonic games. They adore that cutesy bullshit, and have an enviable tolerance to terrible voice-overs. I'm pretty sure they don't even care about the gameplay. If their "fanart" or "fanfiction" is any indication of anything, they just play the game as masturbation material. Judging the fanart and fanfiction further, I can also make the assumption that a large faction of these nerds are in the 12 to 14 age range (or have the spelling skill and intelligence level of this range).

Remember those parents I was talking about. If you know any parent who buys their children Sonic games, please, for the love of God, send them this link. They need to know that if they buy their kids a Sonic game, either they hate it, or they masturbate to it.

While it seems that Sonic might be totally fucked, I don't think it's necessarily the case. There are several things that Sega could do to save their franchise. I will list a few things that Sega can do to save their mascot.

1) Ignore your fans.

As you have read before, the current Sonic fans are total dumbasses. So fuck them. Why pander to these people? They'll buy boxed shit if it has a cute cartoon animal on the front. Go for the mainstream, make some dollars, and forget those retards.

2) Stop it with the stupid anime storylines.

Did Mario need some self important epic storyline to get the sales or critic scores? Hell no, stomping goombas was enough reason. The 2D Mario games were about a Princess being kidnapped by Bowser, and Mario 64 had the exact same story. Hell, Sonic even attempted to copy this story with their latest "Sonic the Hedgehog" game, but managed to royally fuck it all up by dressing it up too much, involving a dark prophecy and secret crystals and other stupid anime bullshit.

Anyway, back to Mario. Mario did recently attempt to have a storyline in Super Mario Sunshine, a game that even Nintendo President Reggie Fils-Aime considers not worthy as a sequel to Mario 64. Sonic doesn't need an in depth convoluted storyline with subplots and such. It's fucking Sonic. It's not going to be the next great American (Japanese, I suppose) novel. It's about a Hedgehog saving animals from a mad scientist. Any plot excesses just causes the story to lose focus. Even in the crazy ass cartoon with its eco-terrorist spin managed to keep the story focused.

3) Only have one playable character, and make it Sonic for God's sake.

I didn't buy a Sonic the Hedgehog game so I could play as Sonic for only 1/6 the entire game. I want to play as Sonic, God fucking dammit. I don't want to play as Big the cat, Cream the rabbit, or Mauricio the retarded mongoose. Hell, do us all a favor and pretend all of the characters invented during the 3D era never existed. Some people like Knuckles, and only a few fans like Tails, unless you count the anime perverts, who manage to sexualize the poor bastard even more than the rest of the Sonic gang. Remember that Tails is supposed to be the yongest character in the series. Feel sick yet?

Anyway, back on point. If you make a Sonic game, cut the bullshit and let the people play as Sonic.

4) Gameplay gameplay mother fucking gameplay.

It's been 6 years since Sonic Adventure came out. Every problem that plagued that game has gone unrectified in every game since. That is unacceptable. By now, you should have figured out how important camera and control is to a game. That needs to be fixed, or you don't have a complete game.

Gameplay has gotten progressively worse since Sonic Adventure. Hell, most of the new games simply involve holding up on the joypad, watching that blue little shit run through the level. When you're not holding up, you're forced to suffer through slow jumping puzzles, boring combat, all the while dealing with bad controls and camera, glitches, and the very real pain that playing these games bring.

Sonic, you are on my douchebag list. You have pissed me off over almost an entire fucking decade, and it has been getting worse. I'm tired of your bullshit, and there are only two things you can do to get on my good side. Either make a game that doesn't make me physically ill, or just curl up into a ball, die, and never let another shitty game tarnish your once great name.