Developer Profile: The Assholes

Developers in the gaming industry mostly seem to exhibit the same traits. You'll see developers talking about their games, and while they attempt to drum up excitement for their product, they seem to be humble, good natured, and all-around good guys (almost never girls). This personality can be attributed to most well known developers, such as Shigeru Miyamoto, Will Wright, Sid Meier, and even that ego tripping Peter Molyneux. Even though all of them will promise you that their game will be the physical manifestations of your wildest dreams, they still do a good job at coming off as humble entertainers, simply trying to bring some sunshine into your existence.

Then there are the assholes. Don't get me wrong, however, I don't mean to use the term in any negative way. Asshole is just a good word to describe these guys. They are loud, coarse, trashtalking jerks, something which I find refreshing in the industry. Below are the four biggest assholes in gaming development history that I could think of when I came up with the idea for this article.

David Jaffe

Is David Jaffe an asshole? The fact that he is on my list should say something on that effect, but if that isn't enough, just take a look at his picture.

Jaffe is known by the industry as a man who always speaks his mind, which pretty much boils down to meaning he says "fuck" a lot. Which he does, especially when speaking candidly about the game testing process and the people involved. Most people read about the stuff he says and think, "Man, that guy is an asshole." He certainly is, and God bless him for it. David Jaffe is perhaps the most honest man in the gaming industry, and won't let little things like "professional courtesy" or "manners" stop him.

Jaffe is a relative newcomer in the gaming industry, with his first big hit being Twisted Metal in 1995. Afterwards, he made Twisted Metal 2, then allowed Sony to piss all over his franchise, before he saved it with Twisted Metal: Black in 2001. Hist most recent games have been God of War, its sequel, God of War 2, and Calling All Cars. His work hasn't been extremely notable, but his name is generally known in the industry for his outspoken opinions and personality, which is actually somewhat of a misnomer. His personality is pretty much based on the fact that he HAS outspoken opinions. Most people who criticize Jaffe for stating whatever is on his mind, regardless of what it may be. A good example would be on Gametrailers.com, where he, as a Sony employee at the time, said he would have ditched the blu-ray drive to lower the price.

While many people criticize Jaffe for blabbing too much, I personally enjoy what he has to say. Instead of using every second of public speaking time to hype up his game, he talks about his honest opinions about the gaming industry. He will talk about anything, including his opinions on other peoples games, gamers themselves, and even the opinions of gamers on himself. As it turns out, he wishes he could be the type of person who everyone loves. Sorry Jaffe, you may want our love, but your still an asshole. While plenty of people will hate you for that, you will always have me as a fan.

Tomonobu Itagaki

When you think of game developers, you usually dont think of them as assholes. You certainly dont think of Japanese game developers as assholes. This probably comes from the standard Japanese steriotype of them being very reserved and polite. Tomonobu Itagaki is neither. He is an asshole.

Itagaki is the leader of Team Ninja, a development team of Tecmo. He is known for his work on the Ninja Gaiden and Dead or Alive series. He is better known for his outlandish personality. The think with Itagaki is that I almost don't believe he exists. If you look on most pictures of him, you will rarely see him with his sunglasses off, his leather jacket off, or his grim scowl off. If I tried harder, I probably could have found a good set of photos of him glaring at a camera with his middle finger stuck out. He seems to be that guy you avoid in a dive bar late at night, brooding over his whiskey straight, ready to fight anybody who looks at him. He's like a cartoon character, and a part of me refuses to believe people like him truly exist.

Itagaki certainly has strong opinions about games, especially the Tekken series. While he demerits the gameplay in Tekken, his motivations come from other factors. Tekken is a direct competitor ot Itagaki's series, Dead or Alive, but Itagaki maintains that his grudge is much more personal. In a radio commercial for Tekken, there are insulting remarks made about Dead or Alive and, apparently, Itagaki's family. Obviously he is very pissed about this, stating that he will retaliate with "nuclear missiles more than 100 times for that." Not many game developers talk negatively about other developers, but how many threaten another developer with 100 nuclear weapons? This man certainly has a lot of balls, as well as a good portion of hate in his terrible black heart.

Another group of people Itagaki seems to hate is gamers. If you attempted to play the recent Ninja Gaiden for Xbox, you understand. Ninja Gaiden is a hard game. Excessively hard for a reasonable human being, and if you take into account the game has been remade numerous times, with each remake getting HARDER, you can imagine Itagaki laughing at us for being pussies.

A cherry on top of the asshole sunday that is Tomonobu Itagaki is the sexual harrassment suit in 2006. Whether this has any merit or not has yet to be seen, but it certainly doesn't help Itagaki's case that he made a game which has a singular purpose of seeing girls jump up and down in bikinis.

John Romero

Imagine waking up on a Saturday morning. Upon entering the kitchen, you see your mom/girlfriend/roommate-who-cooks-food up already with breakfast ready. You sit down with coffee and breakfast, kicking back and relaxing, preparing for a leisurely day. You flip through the mail, finding your favorite gaming magazine. You flip through the pages, looking for reviews of your favorite games, when you suddenly see this. Suck it down, ya bitch.

You probably would think "That John Romero fellow certainly is an asshole." Most people who saw that ad thought the exact same thing.
Derek Smart

Halo: Combat Revolved

Unless you don't watch TV, movies, drink soda, listen to the radio, or socialize with ANYBODY, you probably have heard that Halo 3 has been released. Halo 3's release was one of the most significant moments in gaming culture. Many of you probably have never heard of Halo 1 or 2, and are wondering what's so great about Halo 3. There are also a great many of you who know exactly what Halo 1 and 2 are, and firmly believe that they are terrible games and are wondering exactly why games this shitty are so successful. I consider myself a fan of Halo, and even I don't get what's so great about the series. However, I will attempt to explain what Halo is all about, and how it managed to become such a major success.

Bungie, the developers of Halo, have been in the business for quite some time. They were known for writing games for Mac computers, such as Marathon, which was basically Doom for Apple computers. The Marathon trilogy had arguably better graphics than Doom, and certainly had a better story. After Marathon, the next significant Bungie release was Myth, the first 3D real time strategy game. Not only was this the first 3D RTS game, but it was innovative in it's gameplay. Instead of forcing players to manage resources and building a huge army, the game gives the player several units, and forces them to use them tactically and efficiently to succeed in missions. This type of gameplay has been emulated in many games since.

Halo, believe it or not, started out as a real time strategy game set in a science fiction environment. The game was going to be similar to Myth, only with a sci-fi setting and different game mechanics, such as vehicles. During development, Bungie must have realized that playing the game from a command perspective would not be as much fun as playing in the middle of the action, so they changed the game into a 3rd person action shooter.

In 1999, Halo: Combat Evolved was announced at the Macworld Conference & Expo by Steve Jobs. The game was originally developed for Mac and PCs, and showed amazing features never before seen in gaming. The environments were expansive and outdoors, with the capabilities to drive vehicles. Halo appeared the 2000 E3, which had critics floored by the graphics and gameplay. It was shaping up as an amazing PC shooter, and quite possibly the greatest Macintosh game ever made.

Steve Jobs must have been pissed when Bungie was bought by Microsoft in June, 2000. Computer gamers in general were even more pissed when Microsoft announced Halo would be an Xbox exclusive. After Microsoft bought Bungie, they were forced to rewrite their engine to fit the Xbox, changed the game into a first person shooter, and remove significant portions of the game, such as the online multiplayer. Bungie also had a harsh deadline to meet, as the Xbox launch was approaching in a year, and Halo going to be a launch title for the system, and the reason why people would buy an Xbox.

On November 15th, 2001, the Xbox launched with Halo. Halo recieved amazing reviews, and was hailed as reason enough to buy an Xbox. It was a fucking miracle for Microsoft. Halo had every reason to fail as a game, considering its gimped multiplayer and short deadline. Yet Bungie managed to deliver a successful game regardless. It's a known fact that if Halo failed, the Xbox would have failed.

Halo's success relied heavily on several gameplay elements never before seen in gaming, such as the expansive outdoor environments and vehicles. However, the true key to Halo's success was the combat system. Instead of giving the player just a set health bar, there was a rebounding shield which protected him. This means that if a player got hit enough times, they could simply hide, allow their shields to recharge, and continue fighting. This helped the pacing of the game, which did not require players to go hunting for health packs.

The combat system was very different than most games. Instead of allowing the player to carry every gun in the entire game, the player was limited to two. This meant they had to manage which guns to carry into specific situations. Also, grenades could be thrown on the fly with a push of a button, instead of switching weapons to grenades, then firing. A melee attack could be done by a push of a button as well. This created a very interesting and fast-paced style of gameplay, with players throwing grenades at groups of enemies, shooting at the individual ones, and melee attacking stragglers that got close.


While the combat system was novel and the outdoor environments and vehicles were fun, the game certainly had its drawbacks. For one, it was a short game, and was clearly stretched out near the end of development because the last few levels consist of the same 3 rooms and hallways linked together over and over. This kind of design seemed to indicate that Halo was rushed in order for it to launch with the Xbox. This is definately the biggest problem with Halo, as it caused the game to drag, forcing players to play the same encounter over and over again. There was an interview with a developer of Halo, and he said something along the lines of "I want to create 15 seconds of absolutely amazing gameplay, and repeat it over and over." (I can't find the actual quote. Send me a comment if you find it!) While he certainly delivered on that promise, it's clear why that isn't such a great idea after all. It is usually for this reason that gamers are divided by Halo, with one side absolutely loving the game, and the other side absolutely loathing it.

There are plenty of other complaints as well. The vehicle portions of the game are arguably the best part of Halo, but unfortunately there aren't enough of them, and they almost disappear in the last half of the game. The story is interesting, but not told very well, and the ending is pretty disappointing. Multiplayer, while fun, was limited because of the removal of online play.

Even though Halo was a flawed game, it was a smash hit of the Xbox, and saved Microsoft from failing in the gaming industry. It singlehandedly drove the Xbox launch, and remains one of its most popular titles.

Smitten with their success, Bungie began work on the sequel, Halo 2. Hype for this game was unbearable for the masses of Halo fans. During E3s and press releases, fans were teased with videos and hints of what the game will feature. Prerelease material showed players fighting in urban environments on Earth, new vehicles, better AI, and amazing graphics, with the addition of online multiplayer.

In November, 2004, Halo 2 was released. It's release was a huge spectacle, with stores opening at midnight to sell the game, and lines with hundreds of eager nerds ready to play. Halo 2 was a huge hit, and is still the best selling Xbox game of all time.

While a good game, there were still some major problems with the game. The graphics looked great on the Xbox, but there was a big problem with texture pop-up (this means a low-res shitty version is on screen while the high-res version loads). The AI performed well, but couldn't be trusted with driving. Worst of all, the "repeat same rooms and hallways" method of level design was alive and intact in this game, but at least at a reduced level than before. The story was stale, with not much happening at all, and what little was happening was not presented well.

On top of these problems, there were other huge issues with the game, which even fans of Halo will admit. First of all, only two levels take place on Earth. The entire game was marketed as being this huge fight to save Earth, and only two levels take place on it. Worse yet was that the main character from Halo, the Master Chief, was only playable half of the game. The other half of the game was played through the perspective of an alien called the Arbiter. Most gamers had no interest in playing as this new character, and it didn't help that all the worst levels in the game were played as this character.

Online multiplayer was done perfectly, and is still a model for how consoles should do multiplayer on an internet service. However, the biggest problem Halo 2 has with Xbox Live is something Bungie has no control over: it's retarded fanbase. Playing Halo 2 online would be fun up until you were forced to play with a pre-teenage mal-adjusted dipshit who would rather scream juvenile bullshit into his microphone than play the game. This happened almost every time I tried playing the game, and continues to be a problem for Xbox Live.

Finally, the number one problem with Halo 2 was, without a doubt, its ending. Or rather, it's lack of one. Not only is the game criminally short, but just as the story heats up, the game ends. It's like smashing into a brick wall at 80 mph. Halo 2's ending pissed off every gamer who played it, and forced them to wait 3 years before they could see what happened next in the Halo saga.

Over the years, Halo had become a franchise, and every gamer who loved Halo couldn't wait for the next installment. When Halo 3 was announced for the Xbox 360, members of the so-called Halo nation rose up in cheers of adulation. Seeing the excitement behind the Xbox's flagship franchise, Microsoft decided to begin the most ridiculous marketing campaign in the history of gaming.

During the marketing of Halo 3, there were standard commercials for the games, which showed gameplay and such. However, there were some crazy marketing moves made by Microsoft, and some of them are still going on to this day. Mountain Dew created a Halo 3 soda to tie in with the game's launch. A series of live-action commercials ran. Out of all the shit that came out of the Halo 3 marketing, the most ridiculous thing had to be the "believe" ad campaign, which showed a bunch of old people acting like veterans of the "Halo War" and softly crying about their scarred memories of the battles with Master Chief. All of this over a video game.

This September, Halo 3 was released to the public. To nobodies surprise, it sold amazingly well, the critics loved it, and it still had the same problems that have plagued the Halo series since the beginning.

First off, the graphics were fixed, so there was no annoying pop-up. Unfortunately, other than that, the graphics have not improved AT ALL. This is almost unacceptable, considering the game has moved up to a next generation system. The game has reduced its "repeat same rooms" design philosophy even further, but it's still occasionally evident. The entire game is played as Master Chief, which is better. However, the game was still way too short, the story was interesting, but not well told at all, and the ending was only satisfactory.

A lot of people have decried the Halo series, calling it mediocre and overrated. While this is partially true, you have to remember that the original Halo was an amazing and innovative game for its time. Unfortunately, the industry has moved far since then, and Halo has barely changed. While Halo is one of the best selling games of all time, it has a stigma against it. Most people regard it as overrated and call its fanbase a bunch of drunk fratboy neanderthals. While I consider myself a fan of Halo, I have to admit that these critics are somewhat right.

Some time ago, Bungie announced that it was splitting off from Microsoft. It will be interesting to see where the series goes from here, and what Bungie will make out of its newfound independence. In my personal opinion, I think the Halo series is stale, and has done about as much as it needs to. Unless somebody completely revitalizes its gameplay, the series should take a nice long break. Unfortunately, we all know Microsoft is just going to rape it for cash, and most of the "Halo Nation" will buy whatever has the Halo logo on it, myself included.

Like I said, I don't understand the Halo phenomenon. Maybe I just love shooting random shit too much. This much is certain, its nice to see Bungie become a free company again, and I am looking forward to the next new thing they have to make. I won't even mind if it's on a Mac.

Developer Profile: Peter Molyneux

Most developers are well known for their ability to make great games. Ironically, Peter Molyneux is better known for his inability to make great games. Peter Molyneux's most known game to date is probably Fable, the moderately successful game for the Xbox released in 2004. It went by the name "Project Ego" in development, a name that I find deliciously ironic due to it's biggest fault: Molyneux's big fucking mouth.

Before I get into all of this, I'll give you some background on this guy. Pete's one of the oldtimers of game development, with the beginnings of his career dating back into the 80s. Back in the late 80s and 90s, Peter Molyneux worked at a game company called Bullfrog. Molyneux's first big game was Populous, a strategy game made in 1989. The game casts the player as a powerful diety who controls a civilization using godly powers. People call Molyneux the creator of the "god game" genre, which I contest simply because "god game" really doesn't seem to be a genre to me. Basically, a "god game" is a strategy or sim game where you have super powers. If it's just a sim game where you play God instead of general or mayor, than it's not really a wholly different genre. Perhaps a subgenre.

Populous was a great success, and Pete went on to make more games for Bullfrog. His next game was Syndicate, a tactical strategy game, which neither rewarded nor penalized you if you ruthlessly murdered innocent bystanders. This is in fact one of the reasons I remember this game. Afterwards came Theme Park, a business sim for building amusement parks. Molyneux's last game with Bullfrog was Dungeon Keeper. In this game, instead of valiantly storming evil dungeons defeating enemies, you build evil dungeons and defend them from valiant heroes.Dungeon Keeper had an interesting take on morality. Instead of forcing you to be good, it forced you to be evil. Even Syndicate had moral ambiguity, allowing you to kill civilians. However, this fresh perspective on morality became a reaccuring and almost nausiating theme in all of Molyneux's games.

In 1997, Molyneux ended his career as a simple game developer and decided to strike it out on his own. He founded his own gaming studio called Lionhead Studios, and decided he would single handedly change gaming forever with his powerful influence. The game he envisioned was Black and White.Black and White had been ambitious from the beginning. Since you played as a god, your goal was to get people to believe in you. It's big selling point was that you could play as good or evil, and your realm would reflect the way you ruled. If you impressed your people with fireballs from the sky smashing into orphanages, you would see your temple turn into a twisted pillar of evil. Rule kindly and you'll see bright happy forests and twinkling sunlight. Another big feature was the creature, a massive pet that could be trained to help you in administering your land.

Sounds like a great game, right? Peter Molyneux ruthlessly hyped this game. This was a strategy game which would fulfill every control freak's dream. It was going to be a deep, fulfilling game, filled with excitement, wonder, and many more great things. I remember how excited I was when I heard of this game. It was like a game I had always wanted to play, and have been waiting for someone to make. And what did we get? A boring game. A really fucking boring game. I can't really fault Molyneux for lying, since I suppose he never really did. You could certainly play as a good or evil god, you had a big creature to boss around, so all the promised elements were there. However, the game had some serious issues.

First off, it was pretty shallow as a game. In terms of actual strategy, there wasn't much going on. In the game's attempt to be a true freeform game, it sacrificed the fun aspect of strategy games, letting it devolve into a total mess. A standard game of Black and White starts with you helping your village grow. They constantly demand food, something you have to provide them. The more food they get, the more babies they have, which requires you to harvest food for them, then build homes for them. But by then, they've reproduced even more, requiring you to make them more food. The villagers are supposed to be fairly autonomous, but for the most part, you see them sitting around doing nothing, even though the village desperately needs food. After playing for a half-hour, the game starts feeling like you're more of a babysitter than a game player.

Furthering the babysitting problem was your creature. While the creature had pretty advanced AI for the time, it was still practically useless. No matter how much you tried to train it, it would ALWAYS eat your villagers. Getting it to do or learn anything was an absolute chore. Playing this game actually started feeling like work, where you constantly are doing something, but getting nothing done. You spend hours feeding your people, but they always need more, and constantly try to teach your creature something but it never remembers.

There were some good parts of Black and White. It had amazing graphics for the time, and its interface and control was perfect, and has been emulated in many future games. The game does give you the sensation that you are a god of a simulated world. The problem is that there isn't all that much to do. There are only a few levels, there's little to no strategic depth, and the game is just boring.

Despite all of these problems, Black and White received very high scores, a majority of them in the 9 out of 10 range. Everyone seemed to be blinded by the graphics, interface, the choice of being good or evil, and freeform gameplay to ignore how boring the game was. Even I was blinded in the same way. I remember spending hours at a time trying to feed my people and getting pissed off over how friggin stupid the creature was, and for some reason I thought I loved doing it. Until it clicked into my head how boring this game really was. After the novelty of throwing children into cliffsides and forcing your creature to eat its own poo wears off, you realize all that's left is a shallow boring game. Some critics realized this too, and Computer Gaming World even issued an apology to its readers for giving it such a high rating.

Black and White certainly isn't a bad game, it's just boring and didn't live up to the insane promises Molyneux made. Unfortunately, all of that great press went straight to Pete's head, causing him to go off to make yet another overly hyped game: Fable.

Fable was supposed to be the greatest Role Playing Game in the world. I'm pretty sure Molyneux actually said that at some point. That's how hyped this game was. In this game, instead of playing as a God, you played as a hero. As a hero, you could develop your skills however you wanted. You could use swords, axes, spells, and bows in any combination you wanted. The whole good or evil choice was still there, which would effect how you looked and how people acted around you. If you act evil, you spout horns and people run from you.

The major points of this game was that it would feature a sprawling world which would actually change due to your actions. You could purchase property, marry local villagers, or ruthlessly kill your neighbors. Villages would rise and fall, politics and world economy would change, and your actions would have serious consequences in the future. It was even stated if you planted a tree, you could come back to it in five game years and see how it grew.

Time progression was supposed to be a big deal in the game. The game would start you off as a child, and watch as the child grew into an adult. You could then get married, have kids, and go off adventuring while your spouse watches after your estate.

This game was made out to look like the ultimate game. It would be like a whole simulated fantasy world, where you could do whatever you wanted. Like I said, most people, myself included, expected this game to be the best RPG ever made. What did we get? A fiercely mediocre game.

First off, forget that whole sprawling simulated world. What we got were tiny interconnected zones with massive loading times. You never feel like you're inside a real world of any kind. On top of that, the promise of watching your hero grow wasn't featured as promised. The game starts you off as a child, but then in a horrible transition, you suddenly become an 18 year old. After that, growth basically comes down to getting taller and more wrinkly. Other than this cosmetic difference, growing old changes nothing in your character.

Most of the amazing examples of the game Molyneux mentioned were not in the game. You couldn't plant trees, you couldn't have kids, the story was cliched to the point that it was nausiating, and the combat system wasn't fun at all. Specializing in any type of combat other than swordplay was boring and useless, so the game encourages you to play as a jack of all trades. The difficulty was incredibly easy, since you had so many potions at any time that it's almost impossible to die.

Fable was a mediocre game. In an industry that's filled with sequels, remakes, and boring cliches, mediocrity is a bad thing, but forgivable. However, it isn't forgivable when you hype up your customer base with promises of what could be the most original and exciting premise ever, only to deliver an incredibly inferior product. By themselves, Black and White and Fable could have easily been considered good games with a little more work. But what they all really needed was for Peter Molyneux to keep his fucking mouth shut.

After Fable, Ol' Pete noticed what he was doing, and made a public apology for not delivering on Fable's promises. Since then, Lionhead Studios have been somewhat conservative in their games. The Movies, a movie business simulation game, came out in 2005. While it was hyped up quite a bit, the hype machine almost shut down after Fable came out. It's most notable feature was that it managed to deliver what Molyneux promised, which was a movie business simulation where you could actually write and watch your own movies. While a fun game, the business simulation had some issues, and there was a real disconnect between the business and movie-making aspect of the game. All in all, it was a good game, and arguably Lionhead's best so far.

Molyneux's next game was Black and White 2, sequel to the phenomenally boring Black and White. Molyneux clearly learned his lesson, because Black and White 2 had one of the quietest launches in game history for a big name developer. While the game had it's issues with pacing and its AI, the game was significantly better than the original. Instead of spending all your time watering fields like in Black and White, you get to build massive cities, raise armies, and fight for control over a huge continent. This was a game that actually allowed you to have fun. While some people complained about the structure of the game, which denied people who wanted a more freeform experience, I would much rather have a deep structured experience than a shallow freeform one.

All of this might make you think Pete learned his lesson on hype. It may seem this way, but the impending release of Fable 2 has shown the same hype from before. Not only is Molyneux promising the same features he promised in the original Fable, but he's also saying it will have even more features, including a dog that follows you around. This all reeks of bullshit. He couldn't make Fable the first time, and as far as I can tell, he can't make it this time either. He's also talked on and on about a "one button combat" system, which involves fighting with one button. I don't get why this is attractive at all. At least when you're mashing multiple buttons, you get an illusion of control, but with one button?

I got my eye on you, Molyneux. You were doing so well before, but Fable 2 could fuck it all up. If you ACTUALLY deliver a game as great as you promise in Fable 2, then MAYBE you'll be alright. However, I'm positive this won't happen, so play it safe, and just keep your fucking mouth shut.

Sonic the Hedgehog is Raping my Childhood Pt. 3

Part 1 discussed why I loved Sonic. Part 2 discussed why I currently hate Sonic. Part 3 will analyse why this state exists.

What the hell happened to Sonic? I have my own opinions, and most of them fault the fans. Not fans of the 2D games, hell no. The 2D games were, and continue to be, classics of the industry. They are the only reason why people know who Sonic is.

When Sonic Adventure came out, that's when everything went to shit. What should have happened was that the game would bomb, Sega would realize what a horrible fuck-up they did, and backpedal on their terrible mistake. This didn't happen, because of some stupid fucking fans who ate that shit up. Over a million copies were sold in North America alone, and that number doesn't even consider those crazy fucks in Japan. Who bought this game?

My best guess is that three groups bought this game, and continue to represent the bulk of Sonic game sales. The first is the stupid parent demographic. These are parents who see the family friendly hedgehog on the cover, recognize his name from his glory years of the '90s, and buys it for their poor fucking kid. In my days as a game retail clerk, I can tell you this happens a lot more than you think. If this blog could do any good to this world, it would serve as a warning to parents: don't buy your kids terrible Sonic games.

The second group of Sonic fans are poor saps like me. We grew up with the Hedgehog, and we want to play the new games. It sucks for us that they suck, but maybe they'll get better, right? This happened to me with the first Sonic Adventure, but since then, I have never bought a Sonic game since then. I think this has happened to most of the rest of this group over the years, which explains the steady tapering off of Sonic game sales. While the dwindling sales of Sonic games are usually attributed to the steady decrease in quality, I know this isn't completely the case. This second group is the only group who buys games based on quality. Dumb parents clearly don't buy games based on their quality, and our third group certainly doesn't know quality if it hit them in their face.

The third group, the one I target most of my hatred towards, is the stupid anime fan demographic. I know a lot of people like anime, which is ok, I suppose, but I'm targeting the stupid anime nerds. The ones who take it WAY too far. The majority of this group are crazy, socially crippled, sexually confused, perverted, and probably are self-diagnosed Ass-Pies. Think this might be you? Here's a quick test. Have you ever said the words "epic fail" or "that is made of win?" I mean, actually speak these works with your voice in real life. If you have, there's a good chance you fall into this category.

These weirdos have so much pent up sexual frustrations from not getting laid that they sexualize EVERYTHING. One of these things is anthropomorphic animals, otherwise known as "furries." These guys have clearly latched onto Sonic, using him almost as a mascot for their perversions. Need proof? Search "Sonic" in Deviantart and Google Images. Make sure you take off all content filters. Go to a big fanfiction website and search the terms "Sonic" and "penis" together and see what you get. I bet the title of my post makes a lot more sense now, doesn't it? By the way, those links are not work safe.

If you know stupid anime, then you know why fans of it would love the new Sonic games. They adore that cutesy bullshit, and have an enviable tolerance to terrible voice-overs. I'm pretty sure they don't even care about the gameplay. If their "fanart" or "fanfiction" is any indication of anything, they just play the game as masturbation material. Judging the fanart and fanfiction further, I can also make the assumption that a large faction of these nerds are in the 12 to 14 age range (or have the spelling skill and intelligence level of this range).

Remember those parents I was talking about. If you know any parent who buys their children Sonic games, please, for the love of God, send them this link. They need to know that if they buy their kids a Sonic game, either they hate it, or they masturbate to it.

While it seems that Sonic might be totally fucked, I don't think it's necessarily the case. There are several things that Sega could do to save their franchise. I will list a few things that Sega can do to save their mascot.

1) Ignore your fans.

As you have read before, the current Sonic fans are total dumbasses. So fuck them. Why pander to these people? They'll buy boxed shit if it has a cute cartoon animal on the front. Go for the mainstream, make some dollars, and forget those retards.

2) Stop it with the stupid anime storylines.

Did Mario need some self important epic storyline to get the sales or critic scores? Hell no, stomping goombas was enough reason. The 2D Mario games were about a Princess being kidnapped by Bowser, and Mario 64 had the exact same story. Hell, Sonic even attempted to copy this story with their latest "Sonic the Hedgehog" game, but managed to royally fuck it all up by dressing it up too much, involving a dark prophecy and secret crystals and other stupid anime bullshit.

Anyway, back to Mario. Mario did recently attempt to have a storyline in Super Mario Sunshine, a game that even Nintendo President Reggie Fils-Aime considers not worthy as a sequel to Mario 64. Sonic doesn't need an in depth convoluted storyline with subplots and such. It's fucking Sonic. It's not going to be the next great American (Japanese, I suppose) novel. It's about a Hedgehog saving animals from a mad scientist. Any plot excesses just causes the story to lose focus. Even in the crazy ass cartoon with its eco-terrorist spin managed to keep the story focused.

3) Only have one playable character, and make it Sonic for God's sake.

I didn't buy a Sonic the Hedgehog game so I could play as Sonic for only 1/6 the entire game. I want to play as Sonic, God fucking dammit. I don't want to play as Big the cat, Cream the rabbit, or Mauricio the retarded mongoose. Hell, do us all a favor and pretend all of the characters invented during the 3D era never existed. Some people like Knuckles, and only a few fans like Tails, unless you count the anime perverts, who manage to sexualize the poor bastard even more than the rest of the Sonic gang. Remember that Tails is supposed to be the yongest character in the series. Feel sick yet?

Anyway, back on point. If you make a Sonic game, cut the bullshit and let the people play as Sonic.

4) Gameplay gameplay mother fucking gameplay.

It's been 6 years since Sonic Adventure came out. Every problem that plagued that game has gone unrectified in every game since. That is unacceptable. By now, you should have figured out how important camera and control is to a game. That needs to be fixed, or you don't have a complete game.

Gameplay has gotten progressively worse since Sonic Adventure. Hell, most of the new games simply involve holding up on the joypad, watching that blue little shit run through the level. When you're not holding up, you're forced to suffer through slow jumping puzzles, boring combat, all the while dealing with bad controls and camera, glitches, and the very real pain that playing these games bring.

Sonic, you are on my douchebag list. You have pissed me off over almost an entire fucking decade, and it has been getting worse. I'm tired of your bullshit, and there are only two things you can do to get on my good side. Either make a game that doesn't make me physically ill, or just curl up into a ball, die, and never let another shitty game tarnish your once great name.

Sonic the Hedgehog is Raping my Childhood Pt. 2

This is the second part of my three part analysis of Sonic the Hedgehog. Part 1 discussed my favorable childhood with the character, which was filled with whimsy and nostalgia. This part will explain exactly how Sonic completely fucked everything up, and started its long continuous shit all over my memories. If you like pissed off rants and curse words, you will like this post.

We start this part with the Dreamcast game, Sonic Adventure. Remember, the last Sonic game before this time was Sonic and Knuckles five years earlier. I was a wide-eyed 9 year old when Sonic and Knuckles came out. By Sonic Adventure's release, I was 14, and my childhood memories effectively end here and my adult cynicism starts.

1999: Sonic Adventure

This was the first Sonic game to break into 3D, just as Mario did with Mario 64. It's also important to note that Mario 64 came out 3 years before Sonic Adventure. You'd think with that 3 extra years, Sega would have made a better game.

Most people think this is a Dreamcast classic, which insults the fuck out of me, because I love the Dreamcast and, at the time, Sonic, and expected a whole lot more than this mess. I don't care what anyone tells you, this game was total ass. After the first level, which showcased the impressive graphical effects of the Dreamcast, I started seeing cracks in the seams of this game. The game had complete voiceovers, which produced some of the most grating sounds I have ever heard in my life. I found out that in between levels, you had to navigate through a fucking city overworld, which was tedious as all hell. The controls were balls, the camera was worse, and the game just felt broken.

All of the above could have been forgiven a LITTLE bit, If it weren't for one last thing. As soon as I finally got my bearings in this game, I suddenly get a message that the Sonic campaign was over. Apparently the game forces you to play as 6 FUCKING CHARACTERS. Each of them have their own storylines, abilities, and so forth. Now this works in certain games, but when I want to play a Sonic game, I want to play as the little fucking blue hedgehog, not the scary as all hell cat or the pink girl hedgehog or the robot that comes from fucking nowhere. Other than Tails and Knuckles, these other characters have never been seen in another Sonic game ever. Why the fuck would I want to play as them?

All this is wrapped up in Sonic Adventure's disgusting story. Now Sonic didn't have a great story to begin with, but it didn't matter, since it was all about running and jumping. Sonic Adventure decides this shouldn't be the case anymore. They make the story unavoidable, and it is bad. But other than being bad, it is incredibly gay. I mean it's really really gay. I have a gay friend, and even he admits that Sonic Adventure took it way too far with the gayness. I mean, I thought Sonic was the supposed badass mother fucker with an attitude, who would kick the shit out of Mario upon meeting him. What the shit happened?

Here's an example of how gay this story is. Amy, the pink girl hedgehog, is being attacked by Doctor Eggman (previously Doctor Robotnik from the 2D games. What the fuck was wrong with the name Doctor Robotnik?) Eggman sends his robot to kill her or something. But Amy, using her cuteness and sweetness, allows the robot to discover his inner heart and turn on his master. This is the exact moment I turned the game off, declared it bullshit, and never played it again. Even if I was a 9 year old kid at the time, I would probably have been disgusted by this crap. I was positive that Sonic Adventure was some fucked up experiment, and that they would make a true successor to Sonic the Hedgehog and dump this stupid Adventure shit.

2001: Sonic Adventure 2

If you read the title correctly, then you know that they, in fact, didn't dump the stupid adventure bullshit. Hell, they made it worse. On top of being the same stupid shit, they introduce 2 new characters nobody cares about, Shadow the Hedgehog and Rouge the Bat. While most people seem to think that Sonic Adventure 2 was an improvement, they're fucking wrong. It's an improvement in the completely wrong direction, and it made it clear to me that Sega was hellbent on making Sonic totally fucked.

2004: Sonic Heroes

3 years after the Dreamcast bit the dust, Sega decided to release a Sonic game for all systems. While it backpedalled on the whole adventure thing, there were still serious problems with the game. The gameplay was still boring, the camera still doesn't work, characters clip through the geometry, the graphics barely changed since the Dreamcast days, the dialog managed to get worse, and the overall style is still really gay. It's a terrible game, which is made even more terrible considering it had 12 FUCKING PLAYABLE CHARACTERS. 6 was too many, but fuck, 12?! and on top of that, out of the 12 characters, 7 of them are brand fucking new. It's hard enough caring about only a couple anthropomorphic animals, but holy Jesus, who came up with this idea. It's as if Sega was stealing aborted fetuses out of Disney's dumpsters.

With all the problems, this game showed some promise. It toned down the adventure bullshit a little bit, making it seem more like the orginal 2D games. Many gamers thought Sonic could turn for the better, and make a great game soon. Me, being a cynical 18 year old at the time, figured that Sonic was fucked for life. Guess who was right?

2005: Shadow the Hedgehog

If you know what this game is about, than I really don't need to explain why this game is fucking retarded. It is centered around Sonic's dark doppelganger running around shooting people with fucking guns. Ignoring the inherently racist opinion this game takes that darker colored people have a greater affinity to guns, we can see that this game is just total shit. Guns turn out to be useless because of no targeting, the camera and controls have steadily gotten WORSE, and the game still looks like it should be on Dreamcast. In an attempt to make Shadow more extreme and edgy, they get him to say "damn" and "hell" over and over again on the voice overs. This comes off as being like a 12 year old trying to act mature. And yes, I am aware that I use the words "fuck" and "shit" over and over again. Fuck you. What happened to Sonic being edgy? It was over a decade ago when Sonic was being proclaimed as the most extreme video game character ever. Is Sonic not edgy enough now? Clearly he isn't, since Sega decided to neuter him and turn him into a total bitch.

2006: Sonic the Hedgehog

This is it. We come full circle at this game. Released only a year ago, it was meant to be a triumphant return of Sonic, bringing him back as a relevant character in the gaming world. Yet they have failed on every concievable way possible.

I love this game. I honestly do. I love how absolutely fucking terrible this game is. I love how in every possible facet that this game could have succeeded in any little way, it fails on a catastrophic level. I love the banal story, atrocious gameplay, broken camera, and hideous voice overs. I love this game because it shows exactly how Sonic Adventure ruined the franchise. This game took everything they did in Sonic Adventure and multiplied it by 100. There are some crazy fans out there who will defend Sonic Adventure to death, but NOBODY can defend this game.

This game would have just been another terrible Sonic game if it weren't for one thing. It wasn't the gameplay, even though it has managed to get worse than ever, it's still what I expect from this franchise. It's not the camera, graphics, or voice-overs, the game-killing bugs, or even the fact that the game introduces even more God damn worthless characters. What takes this game and brings it over the top of terrible is her.

Her name is Princess Elise, and she is the romantic interest for Sonic the Hedgehog. I'm dead fucking serious. Throughout this game, there is an implied romance between these two characters. Even if the game had the best gameplay ever, even that wouldn't save it from a terrible storyline like that.

Do I even need to explain what's fucking wrong with that? I don't care what culture, what age group, or whatever reason you want, you do not have a serious romantic relationship between a realistic 17 year old girl and a fucking cartoon rodent! Seriously, it's STUPID. The closest thing that comes to this is Roger and Jessica Rabbit, but that was used for comedic effect. Sega isn't trying to make you laugh, even though they can hear you doing so. They want you to seriously care about a storyline that attempts this level of bullshit. Most fanfiction isn't even this bad. Well, with the exception of Sonic fanfiction, which finds a suprising level of bad most people can't imagine.

So that's it. Those are all the Sonic games I can talk about. You can see how a beloved icon of my childhood has been warped and contorted into a disgusting pathetic shell of its former self. What's worse is that it isn't even over. You would think that Sega would be shamed into just fucking killing Sonic out of mercy after their previous debacle, but there are a whole assload of Sonic games waiting to be released. From what I can see from these games, I can safely say that the Sonic series will continue its steady climb up its own asshole.

A sequel to Sonic Riders, which was a terrible spinoff game I didn't bother talking about, is coming out some time next year. An Olympics game is coming out with Mario and Sonic, and most people know how terrible Olympics games are. Adding Sonic seems to be the response to some kind of sick challange to make an Olympics game worse. Even more sickening is the Bioware developed Sonic RPG coming out for the DS. While Bioware is one of the best developers of RPGs, I can't imagine how even they could possibly save this franchise.

So I have discussed how Sonic was awesome in the past, and how it has degraded to complete crap today. Stay tuned for Part 3 of my analysis, where I talk about the reasons this crime has happened (here's a hint. If you disagree with anything I have said, it's your fault).

Sonic the Hedgehog is Raping my Childhood Pt. 1

Do you get a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia every time you think about Mario? Does the sight of that pudgy plumber bring back wonderful childhood memories of the past, sitting in the living room, jumping on goombas and troopas while your parents secretly loathed you? Chances are you had a Nintendo system in the house as a kid. It seems that most kids did, because in a 1990 survey, more kids recognized Mario than they recognized Mickey Mouse. Mario is now a revered character by many adults today, as they grew up with him for the past 22 years.

I don't share your feelings with Mario, sadly because I got my first Nintendo system when I was in my mid teens (I did have a Gameboy, however). Instead, the character of my childhood is Sonic the Hedgehog, mascot of the Sega Corporation, the arch-nemesis of Nintendo. But I don't get fuzzy wuzzy trips down memory lane when I think about Sonic. The feelings I get upon hearing Sonic's name are usually shame, disgust, and rage. While plenty of you are probably delighted by the potential Freudian meanings of this, let me explain to you that I get these feelings because every Sonic game made since 1995 has been absolutely fucking terrible.

I decided to split this article up into three parts, because I have a lot to say about this issue. In the first part, I will show you the progression Sonic has made since his inception in 1991, and his development as my favorite franchise of my youth. Part 2 will deal with the later years when Sega unceremoniously shits all over my childhood. Part 3 will discuss the reasons for why this happened, as well as what the Sonic franchise can do to save itself.

1991: Sonic the Hedgehog

I'm dating myself by saying this, but I was 4 when the Sega Genesis (Mega Drive for non-Americans) was released in 1989. I can't remember exactly how old I was when my dad bought me the System, but I remember how excited I was to play it. It was my first gaming system, and I completely bought into Sega's marketing that the Genesis was more EXTREME and EDGY than that pussy Super Nintendo. Sonic the Hedgehog was a pack-in that came with the system, and it became my favorite game.

Sonic had the same gameplay style as Mario, which involved running right and jumping on enemies, but the difference Sonic had was that he did it really fucking fast. I remember sitting in the family room, having my little mind blown by the speed that things were moving on the screen. This usually led to me just holding right on the d-pad, waiting for something to happen. While this was a point of criticism for all Sonic games, especially the later ones, I could forgive them most of the time, considering the phenominal gameplay which came after these parts.

For those who never played the game, the story of the game was barebones and functional, just the way it should be. Apparently this mad doctor named Dr. Robotnik was transforming animals into robot slaves, and it was up to Sonic to save them. Not much, but who needs more for a game like this?

1992: Sonic the Hedgehog 2

This might be my favorite Sonic game out of all of them, simply because I played this one the most. My parents bought it for me not long after they got the system, and it quickly overshadowed the original. It's most impressive improvement was the inclusion of Tails, the weird yellow fox thing that would follow your character around. While this was pretty much a cosmetic difference in single player, if you had a second controller plugged in, another person could play as Tails. The real genius of this is that no matter what Tails does, he can't impede the progress of Sonic. So the game allowed me to play Sonic, and let my dumb little sister or cousins play as well, getting the illusion of participation, while I play normally and not have to deal with them screwing me up. This was the best when parents forced me to play nice with my younger family members. Kudos, Sega. Rarely have we seen better foresight in a gaming company. If only such genius could be maintained.

1993: Sonic CD

Apparently this is arguably the best 2D Sonic ever made. I can't say, because I never played it. Sonic CD came out for the Sega CD, an add-on to the Sega Genesis. I won't go into the particulars, but the Sega CD was a disaster, and few were ever sold.

1993: Sonic Spinball

Here's a game that isn't part of the main Sonic series, but gets a part on this list anyway. If you ask about this game, people will probably tell you that it totally sucked. Don't listen to their bullshit, this game was fucking awesome. While there were plenty of Sonic spinoff games that came out, this one is has the distinct honor of being owned by me, as well as being a really fun game. The general premise of the game was combining Sonic and pinball, and who can't see the novelty in that? One of the interesting things about this game was its use of the Sonic cartoon characters throughout the game.

Now would probably be a good time to mention the cartoon. Back in 1993, Sonic the Hedgehog, like his nemesis Mario, had a cartoon on TV. Matter of fact, Sonic had TWO cartoons, but one of them was a stupid Bugs Bunny wannabe, so we won't discuss it. The other Sonic cartoon took a much more serious tone, and might be one of the most ridiculous things in gaming history.

The general story of the Sonic games was an evil doctor was turning animals into robot slaves, and it was up to Sonic to save them. This is a good framework story for a video game, where the player is more concerned about jumping on bad guys. The writers of the cartoon, however, took this basic story and ran with it, probably taking it a bit too far. The Sonic cartoon took place in a dystopic word where the mad doctor conquered the planet, and it's up to Sonic and his band of freedom fighters to save their would using terrorist tactics. And Sonic is also voiced by Urkel.

While it certainly sounds absolutely rediculous (it was), I thought the show was awesome. It took an extremely darker tone than the games did, and as an 8 year old kid, I totally thought it was badass. Maybe as an adult, watching it will be somewhat embarassing, but when I watched it as a kid back in those days, that show was the shit.

1994: Sonic the Hedgehog 3

Here's another game I missed out on. This game brought many new advances to the games, such as extra power ups and better graphics. The game also introduced Knuckles as another villian. Not much else I can say, since I never played it as a kid.

1994: Sonic and Knuckles

This is the best Sonic game out there, in my opinion. It represents the apogee of the stellar rise of the franchise, right before Sega drove it to the ground. Sonic and Knuckles was an amazing game, which took all the advances made in Sonic 3, added some more, and allowed you to play as Knuckles. On top of that, the cartridge had a cool lock-on feature, which allowed you to put either Sonic 2 or Sonic 3 on the top, effectively acting as an expanion pack for both games. This game was Sonic perfected, and as a kid, I could not wait for the future of Sonic to unfold.

Unfortunately for me, it took a very long time for that future to happen. Let me show you the scope of this article so far. Sonic 1 came out in 1991, when I was 6. In the span of 3 years, every great 2D Sonic game was released. I was 9 when Sonic and Knuckles came out. It would be another 5 YEARS before Sonic would see another release. Sonic didn't make an appearance on the shitty 32X or on the less-shitty-but-still-shitty Sega Saturn. It wasn't until the Dreamcast was released when we would see another Sonic game.

5 years. I was 9 when Sonic and Knuckles was released. I was a wide-eyed innocent kid, whose most pressing concerns involved playing outside, playing games, and playing in general. I was a fuckin' 4th grader. I probably still thought girls had cooties. Flash foward 5 years and suddenly I'm 14, a freshman in high school. I've survived puberty, passed through the halls of both elementary and middle school, and in some ancient cultures, would be considered an adult. What is certainly true is that my childhood was over, and my teens were beginning.

In those five years of my Sonic-less existence, I had matured greatly and discovered a new genre to entertain myself: PC first person shooters. When I heard about Sonic coming out for the Dreamcast, I was excited. I actually felt that fuzzy feeling of nostalgia, stemming from my deep-running childhood memories of Sonic. This was going to be the first Sonic game in 3D, and I couldn't wait to see the bold new step Sonic would take.

How wrong I was. Stay tuned for part 2 of this article, where Sonic takes his disasterous turn for the shit.

The Purpose of this Blog

A lot of people play video games. Hell, you found your way to this blog somehow, so chances are you do. Gaming is a huge billion dollar industry, growing ever larger and consuming more players than ever before.

Yet it seems that gaming has yet to break it into the mainstream. While gaming has been catching up to other entertainment sources such as the music or movie industry, we haven't seen mainstream penetration (next time this word is used, there will be a dick joke involved. You have been warned). While many talk shows and news stations will blather endlessly about Britney Spears losing custody of her children, we never hear about Tomonobu Itagaki playing grab-ass with a former coworker. There are many explanations for this. Perhaps the industry hasn't matured enough to capture the attention of the world. This may be the case, but gaming, in its modern form, has been around for almost 30 years. Movies and TV became mainstream well within this time. I have my own theory. I blame the nerds.

Back when computers were just coming out, only the absolutely nerdiest of the nerds would tinker with them at all. While playing with these machines, they would create games to play with. Over the course of the years, these games would expand more and more, capturing the attention of many more nerds. Today, we have reached a point where gaming has become a huge industry, where almost every person in America has at least played a game. Yet, gaming is still disregarded as a habit for children, nerds, or other social misfits. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Have you played Tetris? Most of you said "yes," I'm sure. Tetris is one of the biggest video games ever. It has appeared in more gaming platforms than any other game in the world.

Do you know who created Tetris? Most of you said "no." The few who did know are the previously mentioned nerds I've been talking about. Does this kind of thing happen in any other medium? If you watched the movie "Schindler's List," I'm positive most of you would have known that Steven Spielburg directed it (in case you still are wondering, Alexi Pajitnov created Tetris).

I am one of those nerds who knows too much about video games. With all these thoughts and opinions floating in my head about the subject, I find it aggravating that there aren't enough people in the world to share them with. So I decided to write a blog.

In this blog, I will talk about some of the history of gaming, my opinions of its current state, and where its future possibly lies. This introduction might have led you to believe that this blog will be an objective repository for gaming information, which is incorrect. It's here simply for me to unload my opinions and thoughts on the subject. But I hope that in writing it, I will attract readers who don't know much about gaming, and might learn how the industry and culture works. We can all probably benefit from more mainstream gamers in this world.